Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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