I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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