the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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