Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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