Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize