Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
