my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize