there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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