Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
a search helicopter?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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