She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
