omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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