Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize