hotel room ftw
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
