got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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