I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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