one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
cat food counts as protein by the way
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
