Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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