and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
