You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
