I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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