We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize