i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Success! We fucked roommates!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
