I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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