Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
