Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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