I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
