Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
