i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
