R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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