I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
