not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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