my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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