24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
