my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
