My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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