what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
