well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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