I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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