I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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