return my video game
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
