What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Small penises have feelings too.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
