i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
