I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
