i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My balls are so social today.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
