I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
