I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
