When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
