Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
