it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize