Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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