i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
