jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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