dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
