I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
