three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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