if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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