This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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