the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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