I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
