how can u be prego again
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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