My Higher Power is John Stamos
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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