all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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