3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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