I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
