I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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