im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Someone shit on the floor
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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