I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
