so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize