you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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