you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
